Beware of the “gratitude” & “enjoyment” trap
When I became a mother, many well-meaning people have said this to me:
Enjoy every moment now, you’ll miss it.
Their tone and eyes are often filled with a sense of nostalgia and fondness.
I was looking at my 2-month-old at that time and a pang of guilt would rise up.
“But...I don’t enjoy every moment with him..”
I’m sure I will miss this phase.
But gosh, to enjoy every moment of it?
I just….can’t.
Sometimes, there are these thoughts:
Am I ungrateful for not enjoying motherhood as much as others claim to?
What’s wrong with me?!
After all, we have tried so hard to conceive (1 IUI, 1 IVF, 1 miscarriage).
Don’t get me wrong, I am very, very grateful that he’s healthy and well.
We have so many joyful and loving moments that melt my heart.
At the same time, I felt so trapped at times, especially during the early days.
I don’t enjoy waking up at 1:30am, 3:30am, 4:50am for night feeds or soothing. And this is considered a good night for us.
I don’t enjoy my aching arms and thighs trying to put him to sleep (he seems to sleep best when I do squats while holding him)
I didn’t enjoy it when he was scream crying and I’ve tried everything. Yes, we’ve cried together.
I enjoy his cute facial expressions (those pouting lips and toothless grin!) and my heart goes awww when his little fingers grab my index finger.
I enjoy the laugh when he lets out the loudest farts and looks at me innocently.
I enjoy seeing him discover his surroundings with his big googly eyes.
One midnight, it was another rough one and he was stirring, at the edge of letting out a huge cry.
I sat up and held him, and his body instantly calmed down.
In the dark with just a dim night light, I took a moment to pause and look at his face.
At that moment, I heard a voice inside.
I don’t have to enjoy it all, and it’s okay.
I just need to be present with him, through these moments.
At that moment, I felt so at peace.
There’s no “should” in how I feel.
I can be honest with myself, and just be present for both the enjoyable and less enjoyable moments.
Sometimes, you may feel like you “should” enjoy the experiences you worked so hard for.
A promotion.
A new job.
A new role.
A relationship.
A new life stage.
You feel like you “should” be grateful.
The thing is, you can’t force yourself to feel a certain way.
The more you try to do it, the more distant you are from yourself.
In times like this, instead of forcing yourself to enjoy or be grateful, choose to be present and be aware instead.
Remember, do not gaslight yourself.
Social media has so much toxic positivity.
You don’t have to feel good all the time.
Not all difficult times are “learning opportunities that you will be grateful for in the future.”
Sometimes, it’s just hard, and there’s no sugar-coating it.
The important thing is to not numb yourself, or force yourself to feel differently.
If you do, you are emotionally detached and pushing yourself to emotional burnout.
Choose to acknowledge your feelings instead.
Be present, be aware, and be honest with yourself.
When you do so, you will have much more clarity and inner peace to decide what's next.
Ask yourself,
Is this what I am choosing?
Are my actions aligned with my values?
If yes, embrace it even if it’s not all rosy and as enjoyable as you’d thought (enjoyment is overrated, in my opinion)
If it’s not, make a different choice.
PS: If you resonate with this reflection and find it helpful, share this with your friends and family. It will be a gift to them. They can choose to subscribe to the upcoming newsletters here.
